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There is no nerd shaming here. I read specifications all the time. They are very important to me at my day job. However your expectations is on the requirement of highly scientific measurements when it is not practical or required. A good engineer provides an elegant and practical solution, as simple as possible to implement. Most won't care how many grams the cooler is or the series production variation. It is for the same reason we don't use a scalpel when cutting our steak.

I can give you the list of coolers from smallest to tallest in terms of best overall:

1. NH-L9 37mm

3. LP53 with Noctua fan 43mm

3. C7 47mm (best with Noctua fan)

4. Big Shuriken 2

5. NH-L12S

6. NH-14S

7. NH-U9S

Of course most the criteria is subjective on what is considered the best but really. It's that simple and most of people here will agree with me, people who actually build.

You are in the minority with your stringent specifications requirement to determine what is best. And that's fine. I just wanted to let you know for all practical reasons it is not necessary to do so much research. But if anyone is willing to volunteer their time for compiling the data I wouldn't turn down the additional data points.

For primary complaint is being rectified as puma is updating test results with his new test system:

https://infogram.com/official-sffn-cpu-cooler-chart-1hmr6gyjwkz96nl?live