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Here's an update for anyone in the future or anyone who was curious:


I ordered an Asus Z97i-Plus motherboard. I found a used one on ebay listed for like $300 (lol?) so I made an offer of $120 without shipping, they countered $150 without shipping, I countered with $130 and they countered with $150 again. So instead I bought a used one off of Amazon for $155 without shipping to stick it to the man or something.


The motherboard came in, and the system works fine with either of my riser cables. (Both the riser cable that came with a S4 Mini, and a random 2.0 x8 molex-powered riser I bought to use with a janky setup for a little while.)


ASRock "HQ" finally got back to me, sending me pictures of a janky video card, a PCI-e riser card, and some screenshots from Device Manger and dxdiag in windows saying that they were able to get a video card working with a PCI-e riser. So, it's possible my Z97E-ITX/ac is a lemon, but only in the sense that it can't use a PCI-e riser???